


Between You, Me, and the Universe

by DVNTYRCS



Series: Between You, me, and the Universe [1]
Category: The Bold Type
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 04:50:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13139430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DVNTYRCS/pseuds/DVNTYRCS
Summary: Kat and Adena discover a way to heal after a great loss.





	Between You, Me, and the Universe

**Author's Note:**

> Consider this a warning that this fic while not graphic or violent may be considered a rough read if you're depressed or generally trying to stay upbeat. Do not read if this is where you are mentally. With that said I do think this fic ends on a positive note.

Adena was heading into the studio when she received a call from Joseph. He owned the bar around the corner. “Allo?”

“Adena this is Joe. I’m calling ‘cause ya girl is here. She’s drunk. The place is packed and I can’t keep an eye on her all night.” He knew they were having trouble, possibly on the splits but he thought she should know. If it was him he would want to know. “She hadn't been this bad off since...well you know.” 

That's the thing nobody ever wanted to say it out loud. It was taboo. Forbidden. Cursed. “On my way.” 

It didn't take her long to arrive outside of Joe's. Adena took a deep breath before entering the dark musty bar. She hadn’t seen Kat in a couple of weeks. Joe was behind the bar slinging drinks, mostly beer and whiskey but kept a special stock of merlot that Kat loved just because she asked nicely or so the story goes. He looked up when she called his name and pointed to the back.

Adena pushed her way to the back of the bar. Sure enough, Kat was sitting at a small table with a drink in hand and some guy hovering over her. There was always some guy. She didn't belong here. Adena was turning to leave when she heard Kat grunt, “get off me” and push the man away.

There was a small commotion as the man tumbled backward but caught himself from falling. He began to accost her before Adena moved in and stepped in front of Kat. 

“Who are you supposed to be, her protector?” Adena’s fist clenched but didn't have time to respond before Joe had made his way through the crowd and grabbed the guy by the upper arm. “Alright buddy you’re out or I’m calling the cops.” The man began to hurl expletives. “Hey, asshole! Do I need to shut your mouth for you?” Joe threatened. 

Adena turned her attention toward the woman behind her. Kat stood with an unsteady gait, towering over her in her black Christian Louboutin heels.

Joe pointed at the overdressed inebriated woman, “Take your wife home.”

…………………

Adena took Kat back to the condo. The cab ride was mostly silent until the cab driver began speaking in Arabic to Adena. Adena couldn't follow so he switched back to English and attempted to make small talk like cabbies often do. Kat ignored him and while Adena wasn't interested either she tried to be polite. 

Kat spent the ride staring aimlessly out of the window. Adena spent the ride stealing glances at Kat. 

When they pulled up, Kat didn't wait for Adena before getting out and slamming the door. “Your friend is in some mood.” The artist ignored him, handed him a twenty, and followed Kat into the brownstone. 

By the time she made it upstairs Kat had kicked off her heels and was working on getting out of her dress. Adena could see the woman struggling, so she took off her own blazer, and walked over to help her. 

Adena unzipped Kat’s black evening gown from the back, fingers accidentally grazing Kat’s smooth skin sending a slight shiver down the woman’s spine. Overdressed for Joe's for sure. Then she remembered Scarlet’s annual Gala. Adena was curious as to what happened. She planned to go but that was before. 

Kat let the dress fall to the floor before stepping out of it. This lead Adena’s eyes to dart everywhere except her bare chest. Kat didn’t seem to notice as she picked up the Versace dress and tossed it on the couch. Adena ignored the black garter belt that was holding up Kat’s stockings and followed the woman into the bedroom. 

Adena went to the second dresser drawer, removed a sleeping shirt for Kat, and waited for her to remove her makeup in the master bathroom. She watched Kat stumble back to the bed when finished and remove her garter belt, then her stockings.

“Here put this on.” Kat took the shirt and held it in her lap before looking up at her. Kat looked on the verge of tears before pushing back her emotions. 

Adena stood in front of her, took the shirt from her hand, unfolded it, and pulled it over a head full of cultivated curls before guiding her arms into the corresponding sleeves.

“I could’ve done that,” Kat mumbled. 

“I know.”

Kat held Adena’s waist and bowed her head so it rocked against Adena’s stomach. 

She smelled like summer nights, red wine, and expensive perfume. “Kat….” Adena sighed. 

Kat knew what that meant by the way she said her name. She released her grip on Adena’s hips.

“I’m going to get an Uber.” 

Adena returned to the living room and searched her purse for her phone, pulled up the app, then requested a ride. Kat quickly bypassed her, heading for the kitchen. She watched as she took a half-full bottle of Shiraz from the counter and poured a glass.

“Don’t you think you had enough for tonight?” Adena was frustrated with Kat and her drinking. 

Kat ignored her as she turned up the glass and drank until all contents were gone. She was pouring a second glass when Adena yanked the bottle from her hand and Kat turned around. That's when she saw the tears.

“When did I stop being enough?” Kat choked out. 

Adena was paralyzed by the question. By the time she gathered herself Kat had snatched the bottle from her hand and slammed the bedroom door behind her.

Adena pulled up the app again and canceled her Uber.

Adena looked around the condo, nothing has changed, except everything has changed. It was hard not to feel like she was suffocating but that wasn't the worst the part. The worst part was watching Kat self-destruct. The weary woman sighed and removed her boots, placing them away in the hallway closet along with her blazer. She slowly unwrapped her hijab and folded it leaving it on the coffee table. She checked the security alarm to make sure it was activated and proceeded to cut off the lights. 

She didn’t bother to knock before opening the master bedroom door. The lights were off and Kat was in the corner of the dark room sitting with bent knees, feet flat on the floor, silent tears running down her face and an empty wine bottle turned over next to an empty glass. She was holding a photograph. Adena knew immediately which one, it was always the same one. 

Kat looked up with glistening eyes and tear streaks down her face, half surprised to see her, half irritated by the intrusion of light. 

Adena’s heart ached more. “My shirt is covered in paint.” With all of the things that could be said that was the safest.

Kat sniffled but didn’t bother to wipe away any of the tears. She found her way to her feet. She noticed Adena’s shoes and hijab was off. She was staying. 

Adena walked to her dresser and retrieved a shirt. 

Kat looked at the picture once more before sliding it back into her jewelry box along with her wedding ring. 

Adena took off her paint-splattered blue shirt and bra and threw on a cotton white tank top. She unbuttoned her black jeans and removed them. She took her clothes and placed them in the laundry basket in the bathroom. Then she turned down the bed and invited Kat in to sleep. “Please, lets go to bed. You can be angry with me tomorrow.”

Kat reluctantly got into bed and Adena followed suit. The women laid side by side on their backs hyper-aware of the other and the fact they hadn't shared a bed in weeks. How did they get here, the place where everything hurt? Kat wondered and a fresh wave of tears hit. She rolled to the edge of the bed to hide her face. Her crying became more audible when she felt Adena’s hands slip around her and hold her tight around the middle.

“You are enough,” she spoke with a shaky voice into the darkness. Then she kept repeating it softly until Kat’s sobs subsided. 

Kat turned over and saw the tears in Adena’s eyes also.

“This isn’t easy for me either,” Adena's voice cracked. 

“Then come home.” Kat pressed her forehead into Adena’s and closed her eyes as she gently held the back of her neck. “I love you.” The tipsy woman tugged her wife’s head and their lips came together in the lightest of kisses. “Talk to me,” Kat pleaded but Adena remained quiet and Kat was disappointed. Through her tears, Kat whispered, “When are you going to stop punishing me?”

Adena couldn't trust her self to speak and instead shook her head, no. Kat had it wrong. 

“I'm not trying to punish you.” Adena opened her eyes when she felt Kat remove her hand from her neck. “When you needed me the most, I wasn’t here.” She was in London for the closing of her show. It was the last one of the year. She didn't have to be there Firuze said, but she wanted to since it was the last. She wishes she could go back in time and make a different choice. Adena had trouble looking Kat in her eyes. “Maybe if I came home when you asked me, it would all be different...I thought we would have more time.” 

Kat studied Adena’s brown eyes through blurred vision.

“You didn't look at me the same after.” Adena felt Kat’s hand wipe her tears away. “I failed you both.”

Kat desperately kissed Adena as reassurance and pulled back. They both were a blubbering mess. “It wasn’t your fault.” She gathered her into her arms and held her. 

Adena laid in Kat’s arms as her tears flowed into the crook of her neck. She tried to release the feelings of guilt and failure since they lost her. “She was beautiful.”

“She was,” Kat agreed as she rubbed her back. 

“She was ours.”

……………….

Adena woke in the same position as she fell asleep, in her wife's arms. It was the longest she's slept in weeks. She got out of bed and brought a glass of water and two Aleves and sat it on Kat’s end table. 

She watched her sleep for a moment noting it was the most peaceful she'd look in a few months. 

The artist padded through the condo barefoot in her tank and pajama pants. The fridge was empty and she wondered if Kat had been eating but then she could guess the answer to that. Kat had lost the pregnancy weight and extra in a short amount of time. Her doctor was concerned and when Adena asked Kat would get agitated and start an argument. So she stopped asking.

Adena placed an order for breakfast from their favorite brunch spot and scheduled it to be delivered a couple of hours later. That was plenty of time for her to do what she needed and Kat should be awake by then. 

Adena washed her face and brushed her teeth, then made her way down the hall, past their bedroom. She stopped in front of a closed door with painter's tape crossed over the threshold instructing the cleaning woman not to clean. She tore down the tape and her hand gripped the knob and twisted. The door opened revealing a half painted room of pastel greens and yellows with Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, and Piglet hand painted on the walls. 

She never got a chance to finish. She needed to finish even if it meant painting over it the next day. She walked through the nursery and opened the windows. All of the furniture was gone, donated, all except the rocking chair. Adena had Paulo especially make this for their daughter. Her name was carved into the back of the chair along with the constellations. It was painted beautiful cosmic colors and sealed with a nontoxic substance. She pulled her hair back into a ponytail and cracked open the paints. She prepared the palette and went to work. It was one of the last things she could do for her as a mother. 

She had lost track of time and before she knew it her phone chimed indicating the delivery person was downstairs. Then a few seconds later the doorbell was ringing. 

Adena found one of her wife's hoodies in the hall closet and pulled it over her head. She tucked her hair inside the hood and hurried downstairs to the door before the bell rang again. 

When she returned Kat was standing at the threshold of the nursery peering into the room. Adena watched Kat closely but she didn't appear to have any overt response to the discovery. Kat must've felt Adena staring because she looked back at her. “I ordered breakfast, I got all our favorites.” She lifted the paper bags for emphasis. 

“I'm not hungry,” Kat pulled the door to the nursery closed and walked towards her wife.

“Please eat something.” They seemed to make progress last night but in the light of day, Adena wasn't sure. “I can't lose you too.”

There was something in Adena’s tone that caught Kat off guard and leads her to agree to eat. 

Adena took the bags to the kitchen table and unpacked the food. Kat followed.

“You weren't kidding. This is an obscene amount of food.” Her voice was emotionless as she spoke. “You sure you didn't buy everything on the menu?” But there was a spike of excitement when a buttery smell wafted up from one of the containers. “Are those?”

“Yeah.” Adena located the allocated container making sure to open it and place it in front of Kat. “The sweet potato biscuits with poached eggs, hollandaise sauce, and pork belly.”

“You got me swine, ohhhhh honey.” Kat's lips curled upwards and Adena returned the smile.  
Kat hadn't smiled in a long time. It was nice. Adena stuck her fork into an order of hash browns and took a bite. “The baby…” she started without thinking. “I'm sorry.” She didn't know why she had to say it. Adena began to retreat into herself again. 

Kat reached out and held her arm. “Adena.”

The artist covered Kats hand on her arm with her free hand. “I don't mean to upset you.”

“I don't like talking about her with anyone... except you. You're the only one that loves her like I do.” Kat lifted her hand from Adena’s arm up to her face to wipe away a lone tear. She held her face long enough to look her deep in the eyes. “But when you won't talk about her, it feels like I'm the only one who remembers she was here.” Kat’s hand returned to the table.

“I think about her every day,” Adena disclosed. “Some days she’s the only face I can see. Some days she's the only thing I can think about. Like you craving bacon. But not any bacon. Organic, farm raised, maple bacon. Who knew the baby had such specific tastes.”

“I don't think she knew she was supposed to be Muslim.”

They both took a moment. For the first time, they talked about her and nobody cried, yelled, or shut down. It gave Adena hope that maybe they could get to the other side of this together. 

“What else do we have here?” Kat poked through the remaining containers. 

Adena listed off “Crepes, almond croissants, veggie omelet, chicken and waffles.”

“Chicken and waffles, babe you outdid yourself.” Kat seemed to have found some part of her appetite because she retrieved a fork and knife and began to dive in. She wasn't strategically picking through her food like previous times to placate her. She was eating, not a lot but enough to satisfy Adena.

“I miss this,” Adena confessed. 

Kat looked up from her food, “Me too.”

“I've been working on something at the studio,” the artist confided. 

“Oh,” Kat knew her wife had been sleeping at the studio when she stopped coming home at night. She discovered this by tracking her phone. She was curious as to where her wife was spending her nights. She soon realized most of her days and nights were spent at the studio. Some nights she would pull up Adena’s location on her phone just to ensure sure she was safe. “A new show?”

“It's just for us. I would like to show you today if you would like to see.” Adena bit her lip in the way she does when worried. 

“Yeah, I would.”

…………….

 

Kat stopped by Joe's bar ahead of meeting Adena at the studio. It was late enough for the bar to be open but early enough to be empty. She wanted to apologize. 

“My favorite customer.” Joe greeted from behind the bar. He was busy restocking the beer. 

“You say that to all the women.” She removed her shades and placed them in the purse. 

“You're not here for another round are you?” His tone was playful but she knew he was serious.

“Don't worry. I had my fill last night. I wanted to apologize and see if I owe you anything.” 

“Ahhh, you're good. Every drink is on the house since you got my boy that job over at Scarlet.”

“He's a good kid and a contour genius. Look I know I've been a headache so let me pay you.” 

“Kat I mean it. Your money is no good here. Instead, do me a favor, yeah? Take care of yourself and that wife of yours. And maybe give this place a break unless you're going to have coffee with me before happy hour like old times.” 

“Deal.” 

Kat texted Adena that she was leaving Joe's. Adena knew she would be there in less than five minutes and the artist was nervous. She didn't know if Kat was ready to see but Kat said she needed her to share things like this so she was trusting her. 

Kat had keys to the studio and let herself in. “Babe,” Kat called. Blank canvases were piled up in the corner, digital prints were strewn about on her drawing table along with black and white portraits. One painting did take her off guard. It was of their baby girl. It was then Adena came out of the office slowing when she saw Kat in front of the painting. She had forgotten it was there. She painted it a month ago using oil. 

“Is this what you wanted to show me? It's beautiful.”

“Thank you, but no.” The artist took Kats hand into her own and began to explain. “I sit in here day-in and day-out thinking about her. I don’t want you to ever think your the only the one that remembers her. I think about it all. I imagine the things she’d enjoy. Wondered who she would have been more like. Would she be into tech like you?”

“Or be an artist like you?” Kat finished, having had similar daydreams of her own. 

Adena guided Kat into her office. “I used a mix of photography, drawings, paintings, and digital renderings. Nyugen helped me make slides of each piece.”

Adena invited Kat to have a seat. It was the only space in the studio devoid of natural lighting. The projector was set up and ready to go. Once Kat sat down Adena flipped off the light switch and sat next to her with remote in her hand. 

They both were nervous but for different reasons. “You ready?”

Kat squeezed her hand and nodded. Adena went on to press start and the first image appeared. It was their daughter’s sonogram digitally blended with an image from space to look like a constellation. Kat looked over at her wife and smiled. 

The next slide was a picture of Adena kissing Kat’s stomach at six months. Adena was without her hijab and her hair was down her back. Earlier that morning her ob/gyn informed them they were having a girl. 

The next slide was after she was born. She lived for one day. Long enough for Adena to make it back to New York and the hospital to spend her last precious hours with her. This was one of two photographs they have of her without tubes and IVs. She had one and Adena had the other. Their daughter was fragile but she still managed to open her eyes for them. Kat tears streamed down her cheeks. Adena had painted the photograph so it looked surreal in nature and not the NICU in the hospital. 

Adena was most concerned with how Kat would react to the next sequence of slides. The artist paused the projector and did her best to prepare her wife for what was next. 

The next nine slides were re-imaginings of their daughter at different life stages and major milestones. She was able to age up her likeness to display ethereal scenes of her crawling, taking her first steps, starting school, going on her first date, graduating, getting married, and several more imagined memories. 

When it completed, Kat leaned her head to the side onto Adena’s shoulder. The studio was dead silent except for the ambient noise from the projector. They both stared at the last image on the wall as Kat’s tears fell. 

 

………………..

 

Kat returned to therapy and because she knew Adena’s therapy was her art, in time she gave her permission to do a show that centered their daughter. Even so, Adena wasn’t ready. 

Adena didn't know how to curate a show that showcased the great joy their daughter brought without also weighing it down with the heaviness of their grief. She wasn’t sure if she physically could stand there and talk about...there it was, that familiar knot in her throat where her daughter's name should be. That's why she wasn't ready. She couldn't speak her child's name to a room full of strangers without breaking into a thousand pieces. In that way Kat was stronger, she could at least say her name. 

Kat spiraled the furthest, the fastest because she had more vices at least that’s what Adena speculated. Adena suspected she would have fallen even further than Kat if she didn't have her faith and some days if she was honest, she didn't. It was her father of all people who helped her keep going when she felt like the earth threatened to swallow her whole. 

Weeks, months, and seasons passed. She and Kat were healing still but very much strengthened in their relationship. However, Adena reached a block and hadn’t created any new work in some time. She brushed it off initially as needing to focus on her marriage. She didn’t want to admit something was off in terms of her artistic flow until Kat pointed out the obvious. Their daughter is all they lived and grieved the past 11 months. She had never been more prolific than when she was at the studio expressing her joy at the news of the pregnancy or working out her pain at the loss. In previous times in her life, it used to be the ritual of it all ended in a show, a cathartic release, that allowed her to move on to the next project. This time was different. She didn’t want to release her daughter. She didn’t know what that looks like, what that would feel like. It sounded like forgetting, like a betrayal.

Adena took time to process what her wife said; ultimately coming to the conclusion to do a show. One show. It took five months to coordinate everything. Once she committed to doing it she conceptually changed everything. When she shared her work with Kat it was intimate and private for apparent reasons. Now she was going to invert that entire concept. This was totally different from anything she’s ever done. She needed a dozen hands on deck to help her with the tech of it all. Firuze with the help of Kat helped her secure an exhibition at the Hayden Planetarium. The month’s theme is ‘In Conversation with the Universe.’

Tonight Adena’s exhibition opens at 7 pm. It will run for exactly 26 hours 43 minutes through the night into the next day. No photos or recording are allowed. She didn’t want anyone who wasn’t their family holding onto any part of their daughter. 

The exhibition was currently at capacity. No one else could get in until someone exit.

Adena was nervous, the way she paced and wrung her hands was a dead giveaway to anyone paying half attention. The artist forced herself to take deep breaths, exhaling in relief when her wife rounded the corner in her navy gown in search of her. Kat said she would come but she wondered if it would be too much for her. 

Kat greeted her wife with a chaste kiss before adjusting the lapels on Adena’s off-white tailored suit. Henry, Joe’s son, was right there to freshen up her makeup when they pulled away. Firuze came to get Adena, it was time. “You got this babe,” Kat reassured with a smile and walked back out to the awaiting crowd.

Adena gathered herself and followed Firuze. The presenter was wrapping up Adena's list of accomplishments and awards when she made it to her cue. There was a round of applause and she walked across center stage to grab the wireless microphone and address the crowd. 

She thanked everyone for coming and the planetarium for giving her the opportunity to display her work. She thanked her wife for loving her and knowing her so well. Her eyes searched until she found Kat in the crowd with Sutton holding her right hand. Her brother, Fahim, holding her left and her in-laws directly behind her. She let everyone know it was her wife who encouraged her to do this. 

“Keeping with the theme, In Conversation with the Universe, the title of this show is Great Big Little Universe.” She went on to repeat the title in Farsi, its true name. She discussed their daughter and the joy her brief life brought to her and Kat forever changing them. “My mother always said there was power in a name. And since I had the honor of naming our daughter, I gave her the second most powerful name I could think of.” Her eyes welled when they met her wife's once more. “JAHAN. In Persian it means universe. Jahan, our great big little universe, my love this is for you.” The tears rolled down her smiling cheeks unapologetically as the lights went low and the show began. 

Adena made her way through the crowd to be with her wife. Her brother helped to carve a path from the stage. Everyone gave her space to be with Kat without intrusion. 

The women embraced and wiped away the other's tears. The attendees turned their heads to the sky as they heard whirring sounds above. A 3-D digital rendering of the sonogram appeared overhead with the cosmos overlaid like the slide she showed Kat. It was vibrant and in motion like the universe itself. This, however, was interactive, like one could reach up and touch the stars. The accompanying audio was the sound of Jahan’s heartbeat. Fahim wasn't ready and became misty-eyed. Each image was timed to show for one minute before dematerializing and reappearing as the next image. In all, there were 13 images. The twelfth image was of Jahan’s eyes. The thirteenth was a piercing shot of the sky through the silhouette of tree leaves and branches bursting open into the light. It was the tree above their daughter’s burial site, only recognizable to Kat and Adena.

After the last piece dissipated into the black, the heartbeat faded out. The cycle starts over 20 minutes later and will do so for 26 hours and 20 more minutes. At that time, the equipment will automatically shut off and those images she smiled and cried over will be permanently deleted. Gone forever. Lasting as long as their daughter’s beautiful but short life.

Adena didn't bother to watch the display, she only wanted to be with Kat. So when it ended in silence then a slow, resounding applause she didn't move from Kats embrace. Her brother along with Sutton and Alex kept most well-wishers at length for few moments until Firuze pulled her from her cocoon. Her manager coaxed her into the crowd by promising to get her out of there in 45 minutes. 

Kat kissed her and pulled out of her arms. “I'll be here when you finish.” Jane was approaching Kat as Adena was being led away. She was glad the writer was able to fly in to support Kat. Kat pushed everyone away at the start and it was easiest to do that with Jane because she no longer lived in New York. Sutton was the one that held the friendship together by sheer force of will and made sure they never veered too far away from one another. Jane hugging Kat was the last she saw of Kat for the next 48 minutes. She knew down to the exact minute because she watched the clock. When Firuze told her she would take it from there and she could go, Adena mouthed ‘bless you’ and made a line for Kat. She was ready to go home.

By Sunday, most of New York's art community and blogospheres was going wild over Adena and her exhibition. If you didn't see it, you just missed it. After a while, it became legend and grander with each retelling. As for the critics, they were raving but it was no accident Jane got the emotional nuance of the exhibition right. If anyone’s going to take the time it would be her.

………….

Adena ran her fingertips absentmindedly past Kat’s faint cesarean scar to rest on her hip. She was thinking of the baby. “What do you think we should do with the rocking chair? I was thinking we should donate it to a children's hospital or ship it back with Fahim.”

Kat covered Adena’s hand with her own. “Maybe we should keep it for Jahan’s little brother or sister.”

Adena propped up her elbow on the bed to support her head, tilting her head down at Kat. “What are you saying?”

“I'm ready to try again.” 

“Are you certain?” She couldn’t hold back the hope in her voice. 

“I want to have another baby with you. Is that something you want?” Kat barely finished the question before her wife’s lips pressed eagerly into her own. “Is that a yes?” she managed in between kisses.

“Yes and I think we should practice.” The woman’s fingers dipped beneath her wife’s panties to make her point.

“Practice?” Kat echoed.

“For science,” Adena whispered into Kat’s neck as she nipped and kissed.

“For science,” Kat giggled. “You know that’s not how any of this works.” 

“Shhhh don’t ruin the fantasy.” Adena's fingers dipped further, slipping into her wife’s heat effectively eliciting a moan.

**Author's Note:**

> So now if you're not totally depressed, it would be great if you left feedback. Honestly, I don't know why this AU came to mind. I just needed to write this before moving forward with my other story. Maybe you all will get something from it.


End file.
